Topic: JOKE OF THE DAY

[pat]

sorry folks i had to start this thread

Dirty Lawyer

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.

[Debs]

NEVER TRY & OUTSMART A WOMAN

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. 

 Just before he died he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

 And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

When he died he was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied "I can't go back on my word. I promised him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did" said the wife".  "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque.  If he can cash it, he can spend it."

[Debs]

One morning while making breakfast,
a man walked up to his wife,
pinched her on the butt and said...
"If you firmed this up, we could get rid of
your control top pantyhose."

 
While this was on the edge of intolerable,
she kept silent.

 

The next morning,
the man woke his wife with
a pinch on each of her breasts
and said....
"You know, if you firmed these up,
we could get rid of your bra."

 
This was
beyond
 
a silent response...

 

So she rolled over
and
grabbed him
by his
'DANGLER.'
 
     
 

With a death grip in place,
she said...
 
   
 
"You know,
if you
firmed this up,
we could
get rid of
the gardener ,
   the postman,
      the pool man
                 and
               your brother!"

[Debs]

font=verdana]CLEVER WOMAN!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
         A Woman was out
         golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She
went
into=
the
         woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
 
 
 
         The frog said to
         her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you
three
wish=
es.'
 
 
 
 
         The woman freed the
         frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention
that
t=
here
        was a
         condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish
         for, your husband will get times ten!'
 
 
 
         The woman said,
         'That's okay.'
 
 
 
         For her first wish,
         she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
 
 
 
         The frog warned
         her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your
husband the
         most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will
flock
to'=
.
 
 
 
 
         The woman replied,
         'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and
he
wil=
l
         have eyes only for me.'
 
 
 
         So, KAZAM-she's the
         most beautiful Woman in the world!
 
 
 
         For her second
         wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
 
 
 
         The frog said,
         'That will make your husband the richest man in the world.
And he
w=
ill be
        ten
         times richer than you.'
 
 
 
         The woman said,
         'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is
mine.'
 
 
 
 
         So, KAZAM-she's the
         richest woman in the world!
 
 
 
         The frog then
         inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a
mild
h=
eart
        attack.'
 
 
 
 
         Moral of the story:
         Women are clever. Don't mess with them.[/font]

[pat]

omg myangel you having a joke frenzy

[Al]

*throws roses from the balcony* more more!

[Debs]

 Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle.
They head to the Bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem. "

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little
budgies in dat cage up dere, "
says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop
and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says,
"Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box,  puts one on each shoulder and jumps
 off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says,
"Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me! 

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge
off the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws
 himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to
 plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says,
"And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down

until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads.
First dere was Gerry with his budgiejumping, den Seamus parrotshooting. .............and now Sean and

his fook'n hengliding! "

[Debs]

Never argue with a royal!!
   
   
 
   
   
 
   
   
 
   
   
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who
   
   
seemed  to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
   
   
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
   
   
told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be
   
   
landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just
   
   
put your trays up, that would be super."
   
   
 
   
   
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
   
   
Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.  "Perhaps you didn't hear me
   
   
over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo,
   
   
so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
   
   
 
   
   
She calmly turned her head and said:  "In my country, I am called a
   
   
Princess and I take orders from no-one."
   
   
 
   
   
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat:
   
   
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I out rank
   
   
you.  Tray-up, Bitch."

[Debs]

Men Are Just Happier people  -

What do you expect when:

   Your last name stays put
  The garage is all yours
  Wedding plans take care of themselves
  Chocolate is just another snack
  You can be President
  You can never be pregnant
  You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park
  You can wear NO shirt to a water park
  Car mechanics tell you the truth
  The world is your urinal
  Wrinkles add character
  People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them
  The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected
  New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet
  Your underwear is £10 for a three-pack
  Three pairs of shoes are more than enough
  One mood all the time
  Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat
  A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase
  You can open all your own jars
  You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
  If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your
friend
  You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes
  Everything on your face stays its original colour
  The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades
  You only have to shave your face and neck
  You can play with toys all your life
  Your belly usually hides your big hips
  You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look
  You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife
  You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache
  You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
  minutes.

...no wonder men are happier(...?)

[Debs]

The Three Little Pigs


Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.


"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

?

?




"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy..

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.


"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.



?




"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy..

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.



?




"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.


"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"??



But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"?
?




You're gonna LOVE me for this....






The third piggy says -



"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

[Debs]

What Religion is Your Bra?
 

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. "
" What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
" Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

 "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from ."   
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple..




 
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.


 Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!



(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Doubl e dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

[Debs]

The 11th Husband...

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin".

"What" said the puzzled groom? "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

" Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was..... God I miss him.

"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"You're with the "GOVERNMENT"...
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get S*****D."

[Debs]

There were two nuns..
 
 One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
 
 and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) .
 
 It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

 SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
 the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

 SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

 SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
 at the most! What can we do?

 SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

 SM: It's not working.

 SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
 logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

 SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

 SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
 
 So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

 

 Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
 worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
 
 Then Sister Logical arrives.

 SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
 Tell me what happened!

 SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

 SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

 SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
 as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

 SM: And?

 SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

 SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

 SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

 SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

 SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

 

 
 SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

 SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

[Debs]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

  ********************************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'


   *********************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

*************************************

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

     ******************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

    *******************************

[pat]

cat and cockrel

A cat and a cockerel are walking over a bridge one day, unfortunately the cat falls in and the cockerel starts laughing.

The moral of the story is that wherever there is a happy cock there is always a wet pussy.